Impatiently Waiting

As of last Thursday, I have successfully applied to ten new positions in, I think, ten different states. The thing is, I didn't think I would do it. I know that might sound a bit harsh to say about oneself. But, I have never been a very patient person and I fear the unknown. So, naturally, the thought of taking the time to apply for a new job half-way across the United States doesn't appeal to me. I will have to wait to hear from them and it could take weeks, even a month or two before I hear anything. And there is no way of knowing if I will get hired anywhere or not, let alone get an interview. But I did it.

I was, and still am, just so tired of doing something over and over again, day after day, that I don't love. Granted, there is a great deal about my job that I DO love, so that is what makes it tough. But the main focus of my work is not where my passion lives. So each and every time I walk in that door, my heart isn't really in it. It is a BIT, of course, but it isn't really in it. So I decided I would give it all up and face the great unknown.

Maybe the unknown isn't such a scary place afterall. This has been a recent discovery of mine. I tend to look at things in black and white. It has always been either this or that, no in between. Take that and add a little, no, A LOT of impatience and you get: "Either I will stay in Michigan or I will get a new job half way across the world and live there for the rest of my life and never get to see my family". That thought right there is what has been bothering me the most. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life living that far away from my family. Then the other day, out of the clear blue sky, it finally HIT me. Who said it had to be the rest of my life?! I could take the job, move there, live there for the next two or three years, and then take yet another job much closer to home. In my line of work it isn't unusual at all to not stay in the same place for twenty years. Usually one does eventually, later on in their life. But this technically isn't, no matter how old I FEEL, "later on in my life". So what am I waiting for?

Now I find myself in an even worse position. I am excited. I could move anywhere! There is nothing holding me back! I am not married or dating anyone. I don't own a home. Hell, I don't even have an apartment. Now is the time to do it. Go out and explore, meet new people, make new friends. I need that in my life right now. Unfortunately, this is a much scarier place to be in. What if I don't get hired? What if I get my hopes up, apply to all these places, and I don't get hired anywhere? There is no way to know the answer to that question, I know. I will just have to be patient. Or should I say learn to be patient? Who knows where the tide will take me. All I can do is just ride the wave and do my best to find the joy in it. A few years ago I wouldn't have done it. I wouldn't have said "No, I will not take this life just because it is easy and safe, thank you very much. I am going to take my chances on THIS one over here." So at least I have that.

Viva Las Vegas or get out the crackers cause there's plenty of cheese in this post

Viva Las Vegas my ass. I just found out today that one of my best friends is moving to Las Vegas. And, being the selfish person I am, I said on the phone to her: "I don't think I can handle this!" This situation and all its frustrations and complicatons does not need guilt added to the mix. Hopefully she knows just how very proud I am of her. She amazes me. All of my friends do in so many ways. With my sister it is motherhood. She has 3 boys ages 4, 4, and 3. And not only can she handle it with flying colors, they are the sweetest, cutest, most well-behaved and loving little boys I have ever met. How does she DO it, I often ask. And my friend Melissa. She is so smart. In my eyes, there isn't anything she doesn't know. I often get frustrated with her when I ask her a question about one of my classes that I teach that she knows nothing about and she says she doesn't know. What do you mean you don't know, I ask. That's just not possible. Not to mention she is the most non-judgemental person I have ever met. And my friend Rachel. She can get along with anybody. It is impossible, in her presense, to not feel abosolutely wonderful about who you are. I once read that having grace means making everyone around you feel comfortable. This is Rachel. With Melanie it is her loyalty. Ever since we were young she and I vowed we would never let a boy come between us. This still holds true today. We have a list of things we wanted to do when we grew up and I think we are juuuuust about done with it. She is so committed and dedicated to everything she does and she deserves the Teacher of the Year award, in my opinion. And with Karen it is her strength and her ability to believe in herself. She worked so hard throughout this application process and I was constantly amazed by how she persevered. She never gave up. She wasn't afraid to reach for her dreams. I envy that quality in her just as I envy all the wonderful traits my friends possess. Naturally they possess much more than what I have listed here. There simply isn't enough room to explain just how wonderful they all are. Looking back at this post I think, my GOD, could I be more of a sap? Sheesh! But then again...each and every one of my friends always knows just how much I love them and how important they are to me. Is that such a bad thing? So Vegas here she comes. I can't imagine her and her husband and my peanut not being a part of my day to day life. But I also can't even put into words just how proud and happy I am for her either. That's life for you. Give and take.

Random Thoughts

I have been feeling a bit soft around the middle lately. I have always been slim or thin or small-framed, but I have NOT always been soft around the middle. I entered my thirties and everything seemed to fall apart. I crave afternoon naps, my joints hurt, wild night outs are few and far between and when they DO happen, midnight hits and I am ready for bed, and the list goes on and on. I didn't know it happened all at once. Isn't it supposed to happen gradually? Never-the-less a simple workout routine would do the trick, I am sure, but I just have never been able to get into it. Why go to the gym when I can sit and relax and watch some tv? And plus, beer is just way too good.

Lost in TransITION

This past Sunday I officially moved out of my apartment. This means there is no turning back. This is probably a good thing since all of my stuff is in my parent's basement now and the rest is in storage. I can't imagine how my family and friends, who helped with the move, would react if I suddenly said "Hey, you guys? Yeah, I was TOTALLY kidding, by the way! I didn't really want to move out! Isn't that funny?" So, yes, it is a good thing that there is, indeed, no turning back now. I am a procrastinator by nature. It is in my blood, I fear, to wait until the last possible moment to do anything. I was due to move out of my apartment, clean it thoroughly as to avoid any unwanted costs, and turn in the keys by December 3. So, naturally, I went about this task on December 3. I picked up my little sister, Kaylee, and she and I set off to pack up the few remaining items (notice I said few), clean the apartment, and drop off the keys. It is important to note here that I got to the apartment around 10:30 am (we would have gotten there sooner but Kaylee needed a pair of snow boots and so we had to go to Walmart first. I am telling you we had to) and that I needed to be done by 12:30 because I had to go see a play. If everything had run smoothly I do think I could have done it in the 2 hours I had alloted for myself. But as Murphy's Law states, what can go wrong will go wrong, or something like that. And thus it began. My sister gave me a vaccum sweeper when I moved in and it is incredibly old. I could not figure out how to open that thing up to change the bag. And the bag was not just fill it was spilling over and absolutely nothing was getting swept up. I beat it profously, I cried, I begged for mercy, and I wrestled with that thing for nearly 30 minutes. I tried to call my sister but she was not able to be reached. I called my brother-in-law but he seemed to be completely lost when it came to the ancient appliance. I thought it best if I simply set the vaccum aside and focus on something else before I completely lost it. I went on to cleaning out the refridgerator and as I was passing by the vaccum cleaner to begin to work on the bathroom, I thought I would try just oooonnnnnne last time. Turns out, all I had to do was SLIDE it to the left and wahlah! So naturally, all the tugging and upward pulling motions was never going to get me anywhere no matter how much force I exerted. I didn't have any extra bags though. I didn't realize this until after I had already gotten the old bag out. I looked at the time. It was almost noon. It didn't take me long to realize there was no way I was going to get this done before 12:30. So I had to come back after my shift at Buddies, after a trip to Meijer to get the vacuum bags. I got there around 11 pm. I worked in a frenzy and finished about 1:30 am. The few things I thought I had left? They turned into about 5 boxes, a broom, a mop, 2 baskets of random items, 2 shelves, an iron, an ironing board, and the vacuum sweeper. To this day I will never know how I got all that stuff in my car. It's amazing what you can accomplish when it's 1:00 am and you are on a mission. After I had packed the last item, I ran upstairs to grab my purse and turn out the lights. I was overcome by a feeling so intense, it really took me by surprise. I was going to miss it. I was going to miss it more than I thought I would. Yes, I was proud of making a difficult decision that not many people would. But it was my home. I thought back to the day I moved in. How excited I was and how good it felt to climb into bed that first night after unpacking and organizing. I thought about the day my friend Melissa came over and we spent a long time figuring out just where everything should go: "Hey, Lori? I think the cereal would be perfect here, in this cupboard!" and "Melissa, do you think this is a good drawer for the pot holders and towels?" I felt so indpendant and grown up. I thought about when I bought my Christmas tree and how much fun it was to decorate it and put up all the lights. I thought about the many meals I tried to cook on my own, not really knowing what I was doing. I thought about my cats sitting on the balcony and me laying out in the sun. I thought about Melissa and I playing our video games and she checking her email on the breaks. I thought about how, for as long as I could remember, I have been in transition. One transition to the next. I live my life in a state of transition and I wonder when the day will come when I feel I have reached that place of stability and consitency and groundedness that I so long for. I stood there looking at that bare and still apartment, doing what I could to hold back the tears. I took a deep breath and I shut the door. Making sure to do so quickly so as the cats wouldn't run out into the hallway, out of habit. By the time I got about half way home, to my new home, I felt much better. I turned up the Christmas music, breathed a sigh of relief, and thought: "Onwards and upwards, baby".