It is fascinating to me how much life has to do with balance. I heard once that someone asked the Dali Lama what the key to happiness was and he responded with just one word: "Balance". I can't tell you how much I believe that to be true. What made me think about that today? Well, I took the day off to do...what? Well, nothing really. I just wanted a day to myself. Kind of funny, actually, as I used to hate so desperately to be alone. Then? Then, all I wanted to do was to spend all of my time alone. And now? You guessed it, a little bit of both, thank you very much. Balance. I was able to sleep in today. So nice. Usually the sun is up and I am up. It just doesn't feel right to me, I guess, to sleep the day away. Sure enough 7:30 hit and, eyes wide, I sat up in bed. I decided to give it a shot and got back under the covers. I laid there, sort of just enjoying the quiet stillness, and to my surprise drifted back off to sleep. It wasn't until about 10 minutes until 9:00 that I woke again. Feeling nice and rested, I got up and headed straight for the coffee pot. What to do with my day? Naturally, I went straight to facebook, then on to youtube to get a Gavin fix. After checking emails, seeing what was going on in the world, and playing with the cats; I moved on to things I don't get the chance to do very often. Laying in the bathtub and reading; plucking my eyebrows, shaving my legs, painting my toes. You know, girl things. I am a girl, just in case you hadn't noticed, but have never been a "girly-girl". I like to look nice; wear make up, put on some high heels, a sexy shirt and some tight jeans. But, I am also comfortable in my knee length slippers, baggy sweater, sweat pants, with no make up on and my hair in a pony tail. What do I feel my best in? Somewhere in between there. I started to work on my eyebrows and found myself taking a good, long look at my face and thought "What happened? Where did these wrinkles come from? And my eyelids? They are beginning to droop". There are wrinkles in between my eyes and lines around my mouth. I can't lie, taking the time to really look at how "old" my face is starting to look could prove to be a bit depressing. But you know what's beautiful? I can move my face around and up and down, contort it any way I like, but the only way those lines will match up is if I smile. I smile and I watch the skin of my face slowly draw in and finally find its home in between those wrinkles and lines. My point? I would never have botox or any type of surgery to fix this. I will age gracefully and embrace all of changes my face will go through. They are part of who I've been and part of what I've become. They represent the fact that although I have struggled a great deal in my life, mostly self-inflicted, what I have done more than anything is smile. But, I won't let myself fall apart either as many women do. I will continue to pluck and shave and primp; wear make up, wear cute clothes that make me feel good, and make the most of what I have. I will find comfort in the happy medium. It's like that with everything in my life. With drinking, dieting, and exercising; with money and with love (some for you and some for me). And I know that it's what I am longing for with where I am at spiritually. I have gone through many changes in this aspect of my life and I am still searching for that happy medium. I am looking for a nice balance between what I feel is true and what I want to be true. And I like that about myself. I like that I don't have to label myself as anything. I don't have to say "I am a christian" or "I am a Buddhist". I believe a little of both, to be honest. I don't get stuck under the umbrella of one belief system and that gives me the freedom to search and explore. I don't have to say "I like country music" or "I like alternative music". I like all kinds of music and I love to sing. That's what matters. Music is a part of me; a very big part of me. I used to walk into a room and think "I hope these people like me". I went from that to walking in and thinking "I hope I like these people". And now I don't think anything really; I just hope we all have a good time. Allowing myself to like whatever I like, to think and feel whatever I may, allows me to find a balance, to live in the happy medium, and allows me to be a bigger, fuller person. I don't have to be a specific kind of person. I don't have to be anything. I simply have to live my life; trusting myself, my instincts, and my heart. Not wanting or needing to be something, but instead, just allowing myself to be.

Happy

Maybe I should change the name of this blog? I came up with this title, over 2 years ago, when I felt like I was just about there, where I wanted to be; content and at peace in the present moment. It was almost as if everything I have learned in the past two years was already there, inside me. Like I knew it, but couldn't find the words to express it or hadn't a clue how to put it into fruition. I was almost happy; teetering precariously on the fine line between just accepting my life as it is and all that brings with it (a sense of balance, a feeling of peace, and thankfulness for everything I have...even the simplest things like the fact that I'm alive) and going on about my life the way I had been; pissing and moaning about all the things I wanted and didn't have, playing the victim, dwelling on problems, and making everything INTO a problem. I think I know what it was that tipped the scale and although, at the time, I could never have imagined being thankful for THAT, I am very thankful, indeed. But there is no borderline anymore and, aside from being human, no disorder. There is just happiness. I am certainly not implying that I am happy 100% of the time or never struggle with things; I do, all the time. The difference now is that I finally understand that happiness is a choice. No matter what happens, even though I might catch myself getting wrapped up in worry or frustration or disappointment for a moment (or sometimes two), I now know that I can choose happiness over any of those other states of mind. I can choose happiness and I can choose it every time. All I have to do is just surrender. And surrendering is not weakness, it is inner strength. At times I am blown away by how simple it really is, how easy it can be. And sometimes it isn't easy, sometimes I fight it and find myself just simply wanting to feel bad. But, all I have to do is remind myself that I have a choice, that happiness IS a choice and ask myself this simple question: "Why wouldn't I choose it?" I have yet to come up with a logical answer for that one. So, no more borderline and no more disorder.

Putting things back in perspective

I don't know why I only post to this blog, what, once a year? That part of me that yearns to get thoughts and feelings out lies dormant, most of the time, I guess. I like to call it my "pensive" self. I would say that for many years this was a dominant part of my personality and now, well now it is simply a mood I get in to now and again. And sometimes, I need to purge to put myself directly in the spot I need and want to be: right here, right now. It's Gavin's fault. I start listening to him (really listening, not just background noise...but the whole "Oh wow, look at what he said there, etc.) You get what I mean. And suddenly my thoughts begin to wander here and there and I do my best to keep up with them. So here are my scattered thoughts for the day:

I miss my guitar. And I wish I knew how to play the piano. I used to be able to play the piano when I was younger, but I could only play really simple songs. And, in regards to my guitar, I can only strum (picking is out of the question). This is a coordination thing, isn't it? I would love to be able to play for myself, to accompany myself on either the guitar or the piano, while I sing. Because I love to sing. And wouldn't it be great to be able to write music too? So many things I WANT. Like what I've just mentioned and a home of my own, and a family of my own, and some new clothes. It is so easy to get caught up in the things we want and easy to forget about the things we have (over and over again it all comes back to "complete acceptance of what is"...bless you Eckart Toelle). So, I'll allow that to roll on off my back, and go on about my day. Run my errands (I have a car) and head home (I have a place to live). Then I'll work out (I have the motivation to keep my body in shape). Then I'll make something to eat (I have enough money to put food in my belly...mmm...spaghetti with whole wheat pasta). Then I'll plop down on the couch and study for my test (I have the passion to learn new and interesting things) with my cats by my side (I have many "people" who love me). Ahh...perspective. *sigh*.