Scattered Thoughts

I am sitting in my office, scattered with pictures and show posters, cards from my students; looking around and feeling a bit pensive. The school year is finally over. It was a stressful year, and an even tougher semester, for me. I prayed many a day and counted the classes until it would come to an end. Well it's over now and the things that were bringing me down and stressing me out have finally faded away. All that remains is a feeling of relief, mixed with sadness, add a touch of confusion and uncertainty, a dab of worry and a splash of fear.

I have given up the teaching life. Well, as a career anyway. I know things are never certain, but at this point in my life I just don't see any opportunities to make a career of it without moving half way across the country. So, it looks like I will be going back to school to get a degree in computer graphic design. Why? It pays well, there's a market for it, and there is a much greater chance I will find a job close to home. That is my priority right now in my life. Being close to my family. And to think, just a few weeks ago I was in the throws of sending out application after application. Yep, things have shifted for me considerably and it's confusing and scary.

As I have mentioned in a post quite awhile back, I feel like I live my life in a constant state of transition. When will it end?

All I have ever wanted in my life is to be a mother and a wife. I fear, every day, that these are things I will never have. Is it wrong to want that over teaching? Why, in this day and age, do we pressure our kids to establish themselves in their careers? To really make a name for themselves? I long to establish myself, I do, but I want to establish myself as a happy mother and wife.

Speaking of mothers. Yesterday was Mother's Day and I didn't give my mother a card. I had been camping so I didn't get the opportunity to pick up a card for her. I was just telling myself I would pick one up today but I can't stop thinking, what would I write in it? I just recently told her about my change of heart regarding my career. I fear I have let her down terribly and even though I know she would never let me know that, it kills me to think that I have. All I can think of putting in the card is "Thank you for loving me even though I have let you down." Seems silly, I know, but it is how I feel. My mother loves me no matter what, I know that. But you still can't help the way you feel.

I feel afraid that I will never find what I really want and then I will have to deal with whether or not it was all worth it; letting go of teaching and putting my focus on settling down and starting a family.

I had my first class today for Summer session. They seem like a great group. All women. That should be interesting. I feel happy and excited about teaching them. But there is still that hollow feeling in my heart. I imagined myself, for one moment, married with beautiful children and a cozy home, working with computers from 9-5 AND teaching that class. That would really make me feel happy and excited.