Be Careful What You Wish For

A comment Karen left on a post from awhile back:

"Toes crossed too. And since I have no fresh thought
of my own I will rely on cliche. You really never know
what lies around the next corner.
Here's hoping he is tall, dark, naked and funny."

I bended that corner. And? To sum it up: he is definitely tall, dark-haired (which is a form of "dark"), funny in his own way, and as for naked? Well, sometimes he is. And I am surprised. This is the most accurate word I can attach to the overall feeling surrounding me lately. Surprised that he is still around. The fear referenced in the post Karen had commented on did all it could, did it's very best, to prevent me from giving him a chance. There were times I thought for sure it had won. I have told him twice now that I only wanted to be his friend. But he has not gone away and I am thankful for that. Mostly, however, I am surprised. I have allowed myself to get to know him. I have pushed past that fear and all of the doubt and worry and nervousness and allowed myself, given myself the chance, to find out who he is. Even when I thought I couldn't do it, or when I didn't think I WAS doing it; I could, I was, and I did.

As for that fear? I know it is hiding out somewhere, I can feel it lurking in the darkness, crouched in a corner. But it's like a distant fog. It's a place I could go if I wanted to. And sometimes, in spite of myself, I go there. I hang out for awhile in that dank and miserable place until (usually by the grace of people who love me) I am pulled out of it. So it isn't that I don't have that fear anymore, it's that I choose not to let it get the best of me. What a wonderful, new, and freeing feeling that is.

I know now there is nothing wrong with me regarding my abilities to feel and express love; to experience it. I used to say that I had somehow lost the ability to love someone. I actually thought it possible. Looking back, all I can think now is: what a ridiculous notion! Funny how something so ridiculous can feel so real when we are so afraid. Afraid of what? Of never feeling it or of feeling too much. Of hurting someone or being hurt. Of missing out or of throwing away something that will never come again. I don't know where all of this fear came from, but the one thing I do know is that I won't let it stop me from taking a chance. I don't know where it's going, where it will take me, how it will end up, what I will feel or won't feel, but I am not turning away and hiding behind fear. Give it to me, I'll take it; whatever IT is and whatever happens. I'll give it a shot man even if if means hurting him or getting my heart broken. Bring it on.