Paranoi-ya will destro-ya

I know I am not the only one out there who tends to think people are upset with them for some apparent reason or another. Or should I say for no apparent reason or another? Is it that I want people to be upset with me? What can I possibly gain from constantly worrying that others are angry with me? It doesn't happen everyday. "Constantly" is a bit of an exaggeration. But it happens often enough. Like today, for example. I was at a faculty meeting where I saw one of my colleagues. I waved, said good morning, the usual. His response was a bit aloof; which in my world can easily be transcribed as: " he didn't throw his arms around me declaring his unyielding love". Just the same, it triggered a thought process which still plagues me five hours later. It goes something like this:

Hmm...he seems a bit aloof. I wonder what is wrong? Is he upset with me? No, that's just silly. I haven't done anything to upset him. Well, maybe I have done something. But what could it be? Hmm...maybe he heard that I think so-in-so is negative all the time and he thinks I am being self-righteous for saying that. Or maybe I was supposed to be at that meeting yesterday and I didn't know it and so he thinks I am irresponsible? Or maybe I just look awful today, as usual, and he is thinking to himself that I am ridiculously dressed and that the dark circles under my eyes, hereditary or not, make me look 10 years older. Wait, did he just smile at me? No, he looks confused. I think he is just responding to what somebody else just said. No, that officially was not a smile. Why is he ignoring me like this? He must be upset with me. I wonder what I did...

And on and on it goes. Sadly, the concept of: "if I am unable to think of what I might have done I can logically presume I have, in fact, NOT done anything" never crosses my mind. I am not sure where this "paranoia" comes from. Nor do I enjoy it. Or have yet to find a way to conquer it. Have you ever heard the philosophy that only 10% of what we worry about actually happens? I am not sure I am getting that right. It might even be less than that. Sorry, I tend to get caught up with percentages and scales. Ask my friends. But, regardless, the idea of it is true. I would say 99% of the time the person I am currently thinking is upset or angry with me ends up not being upset or angry with me at all. (I am sure there were supposed to be some commas in that sentence) They are usually just having a bad day, or are tired, or maybe it's simply gas. Who knows? Nonetheless, it is tiring.

I am sure at least somebody out there suffers from this affliction as well. Well, maybe I shouldn't call it an affliction. That doesn't sound very nice and I wouldn't want to upset anybody. Wait, did I upset you? Are you mad at me?