Blue(ish) Christmas

Although I feel I look 27 and act 19 the majority of the time, judging by the looks of my hands I am, in fact, 37 yrs old and 40 is fast approaching. How did I get here? And so quickly too?? It is interesting how aside from the number, the years that have gone by, and the experiences you've had; the experiences you have NOT HAD can affect how old you feel. I tend to find myself in this place, mentally and emotionally, when I know the holidays are approaching. As I know I have mentioned in past posts, and when I say past I am talking ancient times here as I tend to post approximately once every 6 months, I am the only individual in my pool of family and friends who is not married and either has or will have kids. And I am the only person who understands the simple fact that THIS MAKES ME FEEL OLD. Wouldn't you think it would make me feel younger? I am single and relatively do what I like without having to answer to someone else or take their feelings, wants and needs into consideration. Wouldn't that be exciting? Wouldn't that make you feel free and...well...young? Nope. Not me. It makes me feel old. Old. Old. Old.

I recently downloaded some Christmas music to my ipod. And this is related to what I was just saying. I promise. I was in a rush as I usually am when I am attempting to download music at work where anyone who walks by can see my screen; so I clicked on anything that looked like Christmas music. To my surprise; as I was humming along, merrily working away and not thinking about my age and all the things I want and do not have, the song from Jim Carrey's How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Where Are You Christmas? came on and I found myself in tears. It goes something like this:

Where are you Christmas?

Why cant I find you?

Why have you gone away?

My world is changing, I'm rearranging, does that mean christmas changes too?

Where are you christmas?

Do you remember the girl you used you know?

You and I were so carefree, now nothing's easy.

Did Christmas change? Or just me?

I am sure it seems odd that a song like that would make a person tear up, but for me it summed up just the way the holiday's make me feel. For me, in my heart, Christmas is the same as it was when I was a kid. I have no family of my own. My parents and my sister and brother are my family. For them, however, their spouses and children are their immediate family and Christmas is now about the excitement surrounding their children opening gifts on Christmas morning. I sleep on the couch upstairs and stare at the tree remembering when my sister and brother and I would all sleep in the same room and fantasize all night long about the wonderful and exciting toys we would be getting the following morning. How we would sneak out of our room to take a peek at the stockings. How we would wake up in the morning and run as fast as we could to see all the presents under the tree. How we would play together all day long. As we got older, the playing became trivia, cards, drinking wine, and socializing with the friends we had invited over for the day. So even though the toys changed the simple fact that we played stayed the same. Now they have three kids each and although they try to sit at the table and enjoy a game of euchre or trivia they are constantly up and running around getting the kids something they need or changing a diaper or, God forbid, taking a nap. Don't get me wrong, my family means the world to me and I am forever grateful to have them in my life. It all boils down to the simple fact that things have changed for them, but they have not changed for me. I find my own things to do and am happy. I look forward to exchanging gifts and watching my neice and nephews open the presents I spent forever picking out for them. And although it may be 9:00 pm by the time we all get sat at the table, I look forward to the playing; the games and the laughter we share. I am blessed and I know it. I am also lacking something and that's ok. I am old. er. but I am also young. And I hope I never lose that.