Christmas On the Couch

I have been sitting on the couch a lot lately. Practically all day long for the last nine days, to be exact. This is not my usual choice of activity. I have often found myself saying to others that I am a reasonably active person who does not like to sit on the couch for too long; someone who finds a lot of joy in walking, doing something active with my time, being up and on my feet out there enjoying the world. I would hear myself say that and think it a bit too "sef-aware" and probably not quite as true as I thought. Having surgery has proven me wrong. I am longing for something to do...on my feet. I want to go for a walk, to reorganize my bedroom, to work out, to go into town and take my time picking out my groceries, find a good movie to rent, anything really. I am recovering well, but it's tough to sit and sit, get up for a bit and then...sit. Although it may feel like a slow process as soon as I know it I will be up and out and about.

Christmas was interesting. I sat on the couch in the livingroom the whole time. I found this to be tough mainly during meal-time. It was a bit of a downer to sit in the other room and hear them all in the kitchen holding hands and saying grace together. At the same time, though, there was something to be said about sitting on the sidelines; to have the opportunity to see things from a different perspective. I saw a big, loud, expressive, interesting, and fun group of people laughing, loving, and enjoying one another. It was a good feeling. A really good feeling. I watched my almost 3 yr old nephew Samuel run back and forth and back and forth from the play room to the living room saying "Help me! Jeffey chasing me! Help me! Monster House scary!" I saw everyone helping each other cook, getting each other drinks, hugging, talking, and just being together. I watched my nephews playing with their new toys absorbed in the magical world of their imagination. I saw my neice sit in her own little corner and read a book from start to finish in a day or two like she loves to do, but doesn't always get the chance to because she works so hard in school. I loved just sitting back and watching. One by one, in their own tme, they would come up to me and ask how I was, if I needed anything, how I was feeling, or just to talk and spend some time with me. Johnny came up to me at one point and asked me why the dr's "cut me". I explained about the tumors and how they had to take them out of my uterus and asked him if he knew what a uterus was. Naturally he said no so I briefly explained it's purpose. His response? "Will you still be able to have babies Auntie?" I told him that was my hope. He said he hoped so too. He hoped I would have a baby some day so he could play with it and that it would be the smallest baby he had ever seen. How sweet; how heart-breakingly sweet. The boys were so careful with me and gentle. They would give me a kiss and tell me they loved me and then just stare at me for a bit with a pained expression as they looked down at my tummy. What loving, sweet little boys. I sat there watching them play and laugh and run around the house and couldn't believe how much they have grown. They really do grow up so fast and I feel glad that I had the chance to just sit back and watch. Normally I am a bit quieter than the rest of the family, more of an outsider. But this was the first time that I truly "sat out", the first time I just listened and took them all in with nothing but appreciation in my heart. I simply let them be. And although I was hurting and tired and wishing I could get up and get in the thick of it, I am thankful I got the chance not to. It was a Christmas I will never forget.